In Which I Make A List And Have A Tonal Shift

In news that will shock absolutely nobody that knows me, I watch a lot of procedurals. This is probably directly related to my murder mystery addiction. At any rate, I've noticed that a lot of things commonly pop up in these shows. I have, of course, decided to make a list of some of these.

1. At least one major female character must be Damaged. The capitalization was intentional. The aforementioned damage usually comes in one of two forms: either something happened to her family when she was a child (this detective usually is haunted by the crime and wants to solve it, or suffers from abandonment issues) or she had a wonderful family, but for one reason or another, did a lot of stupid things as a teenager. In the few cases where there is not a damaged female, one of them should have had either an abortion or a miscarriage. I'm sure there is some feminist theory about this. I am equally sure that I don't care.

2. At least one case should involve a murdered ADA. Why ADAs are more prevalent than, say, judges or police officers I do not understand. Ideally, the ADA should have been upstanding and a crusader. The ADA will then be revealed to have a sordid private life.

3. At least one case will involve a polygamous cult. A woman inside the compound will make a call, usually concerned about her daughter. The cult leader will, of course, treat the police as the devil testing the believers, and sometimes actually believes it. The caller will refuse to come forward. For bonus points, someone working on the case with the team will have been a former member of the cult.

4. At least one murder victim must be known to one of the victims, ideally as a former lover. Because this is TV land, the detective will be allowed to investigate the case.

5. At least one case will involve a bigamist. Sometimes, there are even more wives. If the wives knew he had multiple spouses, all will claim to be okay with the arrangement, but do not be fooled. The first wife is jealous and has killed him. If the wives are shocked to learn their husband had at least one other wife, do not be fooled. They knew, met each other, and conspired to kill him.

6. At least one case should highlight different beliefs the main characters hold. These differences can be religious, about abortion or the death penalty, about politics, or any other hot button issue. Both must be able to give well reasoned defenses of their beliefs at the drop of a hat. Neither one is shown to be correct, thus avoiding any real controversy.

7. One of the characters should have overcome some sort of addiction, most often alcoholism. Generally, this should only be brought up in cases in which either a suspect or the victim suffered from it, or when something terrible happens to the character.

8. Sexual tension between the leads, even if it's clearly never going to be resolved, is always a plus.

9. A conspiracy nut is always helpful. At least one case will involve a conspiracy theory. He (for it is almost always a man) will either be proven to be at least partially right, or will have knowledge or contacts necessary for solving the case. For extra fun, throw in DARPA.

10. At least one case should involve Homeland Security interfering in the investigation. In almost all cases, the murder has nothing to do with whatever Homeland Security is trying to protect.

11. At least one case should just be a senseless murder. The detectives will unearth every bad thing about the victim and the suspects, only to learn that the victim was killed in a robbery or got caught in the crossfire of a gang.